Here is another personal item that I failed to mention about myself…as if being a crossdresser was not enough. When I was 13 years old, I was diagnosed with gynecomastia. The medical definition is: “Enlargement of a man’s breasts, usually due to hormone imbalance.” Unfortunately for me, I had an overabundance of estrogen coursing through my body as I entered puberty.
Of course, this contributed to my late blooming. My scrawny, hairless body. My high pitched voice. My total lack of muscle tone and inability to ever put on muscle. Anyway, what happened was that my nipples swelled up and the tissue in my breasts budded-out, effectively making me an A-cup. All due to excessive estrogen. I was teased throughout my youth and early adulthood. My boobies could be concealed by wearing a tight T-shirt under a baggy outer shirt, as well as some tape. Shirtless, I looked like a girl. Three females and only two males in the household didn’t really help, either.
If I could have been that 13 year old k** in 2010 and started taking Hormone Therapy while in puberty, today, I would most likely be a 23 year old woman. Maybe I would have a career in transsexual porn.
Long story short, I became tired of being self-conscious and embarrassed. I finally decided to undergo plastic surgery to remove the excessive breast tissue. From 13 to 23…..yes, it was a decade……I lived as a true shemale. Tight T-shirts and Scotch Tape were my best friends. I was never happier when the surgeon removed those masses of tissue and I gave me a REAL male chest. No more tape. No more extra small T-shirts worn under a baggy button shirt.
Now, something wonderful happened. After the surgery, my nipples became hyper-sensitive. You would think I would lose sensation with the incisions and the tissue excision…but no. So now, I get quite aroused with even the slightest touching or pressure on my nipples. Having them pinched or licked or sucked produces an instant erection. Having them sucked as I orgasm, nearly makes me faint.
Oh, the estrogen is still here. I wouldn’t doubt if it’s a 70-30 mix. And I totally embrace it. I actually love my feminine side. I got a few things still going for me: virtually zero muscle; my waist-to-hip-ratio has always been quite high, which gives the impression of a female figure; my body hair is light and fine, and unless you’re up close, you’d swear I was hairless even after a week of not shaving.
From the hours of 6 am to 4 pm, I wear flannel or polo shirts and blue jeans. I talk “guy talk” with the guys at work. I talk sports and who’s the hottest girl in the Marketing Department. But, I look at hot girls with envy, not desire. And I am a sports fan. Now, between the hours of 4 pm to 6 am, I shave my body, pluck my eyebrows, do 30 minutes on the treadmill, shower, slather on the moisturizer, put on a satin negligee or cute flannel PJs in the winter, look at all sorts of porn, buy girlie things on the web, and relax. It’s not an act, I simply cannot help it. It is who I am.
So, I hope you understand. I’m not just a guy who decided he wants to wear women’s clothes…for whatever reason. I was BORN with a disproportionate amount of estrogen in my body—and that diagnosis came straight from a doctor and a surgeon.
Needless to say, I’ve always been confused about my sexuality. I never considered myself gay. I am attracted to men, but not exclusively. I do like women. Watching two women have sex is extremely erotic and arousing for me. But, as I’ve said before, I watch them more with a touch of envy. I find myself wishing I could look like them and move like them, as opposed to just being there screwing them. When I watch a man have sex with a woman, I’d say 90% of the time I fantasize about being in the woman’s place and not being the man.
I wonder if I will ever experience the touch of another man. I wonder if it’s in the cards for me to suck another man’s cock and swallow all his cum or feel a pulsating cock pumping its cum into my ass. I dream about other men wanting me and me doing everything I can to satisfy them.
So, in an effort to come to terms with the last 40+ years since I entered puberty, I wrote this. Hopefully, I can find some validation in my femininity. Hopefully I can find some solace. It’s a long time in the works. I’m in my mid 50s now. I’m slowing down. My looks are fading. Come with me. Join me. Let’s see where we end up!
I love you!